new home.

i am now over here: the holy ordinary

i have unanswered prayers.

a rare few hours alone here, this morning. not too many wake-up cries in the middle of the night from noah & jonah, & resting in bed til almost 8 o'clock, felt nice & appropriate since it's sort of grey & rainy outside. matthew took the boys to the zoo, while i somehow screwed up a pot of coffee in the percolator. second try worked like a charm, and wow is the coffee from a percolator so much better than the drip machine we had before. i'm only allowing myself one small cup, but it is just really wonderful. i made cupcakes before i made breakfast for myself; cream of wheat with molasses (trying to up my iron intake as it is nice & low). i have a corner in the playroom i can't seem to make the time to clean, and it's all my mess.

reading lots of good books lately, my nose in about 4 at the same time, trying to understand noah better & myself better & my relationships better. praying for understanding. praying for communication & for nurturing. praying for the little girl that will be here in just a couple months.

meanwhile, i can't get enough of her voice.

new rhythms.

in between all the not-so-fun parenting stuff are little lights that i'm trying to focus on & savor. like, the almost full hour of uninterrupted, sweet play between noah & jonah this morning, as they fiddled with their tinkertoys. (i'm pretty sure this has been the best christmas present by Far; they spend a lot of time working on new little creations every day!) & how beautiful the snow looked, with the brief sunlight bouncing & flickering on it -- a still moment to dwell on while i washed some dishes. & how i've been able to sit down & enjoy a cup of tea every day this week. i still don't know how to truly navigate the ever-changing emotions & phobias of my four year old, but i love watching him read a book to his little brother, even if the moment passes by so quickly i have to remind myself it just happened.

this last week we incorporated some intentional daily learning via the five in a row/before five in a row curriculum. of course it has Only been a week, but so far it feels like a great fit for us. the focus on books works with our natural inclination, and the lessons are very adaptable & fun. noah seems really into it, and jonah likes listening to the stories.

next week i think i will introduce having all of our mealtimes at the table once again. we've migrated into the playroom for a lot of meals & snacks, and i just want to get away from that. so, with a little rearranging this weekend, we will have a little nook carved out in the kitchen for their little table, right in front of the radiator. this way they will be nice & cozy in the kitchen while i get them breakfast! this will hopefully also be more inviting for miss ruby june, who will be with us in a few short months.


there is still the almost daily muck to wade through, but there is beauty in every step. as hard & painful as it can be sometimes, i love being a mother & wife. & i do truly appreciate the work it takes to be both. living consciously & with intention requires a constant shuffle, a constant learning, a constant desire to fight against complacency. i am unwilling to be a half-present mother, a distant wife, & what is funny & what is *of Course* is that i am both of these by nature. when things get really hard i want, i need to sleep. i want to pretend it isn't happening. but thankfully, i have three teachers in this house & one in my belly that keep reminding me that That is not the way. maybe it can be for an afternoon, but not for a lifetime.

and so i keep going on, one foot in front of the other. shaky sometimes, but still moving.

words for 2010.

tentative words for 2010:

rhythm
&
less


happy new year's eve!

the holy child's song by thomas merton

When midnight occupied the porches of the Poet's reason
Sweeter than any bird
He heard the Holy Child.

Song
"When My kind Father, kinder than the sun,
With looks and smiles bends down
And utters My bodily life,
My flesh, obeying, praises Heaven like a smiling cloud.
Then I become the laughter of the watercourses.
I am the gay wheat fields, the serious hills:
I fill the sky with words of light, and My incarnate songs
Fly in and out the branches of My childish voice
Like thrushes in a tree.

"And when My Mother, pretty as a church,
Takes Me upon her lap, I laugh with love,
Loving to live in her flesh, which is My house and full of
light!
(Because the sky My Spirit enters in at all the windows)
O, then what songs and what incarnate joys
Dance in the brightest rays of My childish voice!

"In winter when the birds put down their flutes
And wind plays sharper than a fife upon the icy rain,
I sit in this crib,
And laugh like fire, and clap My golden hands:
To view my friends the timid beasts-
Their great brown flanks, muzzles and milky breath!

"Therefore come, shepherds, from your rocky hill,
And bend about My crib in wonder and adore My joy.
My glances are as good as wine.
The little rivers of My smile
Will wash away all ruins from your eyes,
As I lift up My hands,
As white as blackthorn blossoms,
And charm and kiss you with My seven sacraments.

"This seeming winter is your spring
When skies put off their armor:
Because My Heart already holds
The secret mortal wound,
By which I shall transform all deserts into garden-ground:
And there the peaceful trees,
All day say credos, being full of leaves -
And I will come and be your noon-day sun,
And make your shadows palaces of moving light:
And you will show Me your flowers."

When the midnight occupied the porches of the Poet's reason
Sweeter than any bird
He heard the Holy Child.


(thomas merton)

starlings in winter

I feel my boots
trying to leave the ground,
I feel my heart pumping hard,

I want to think again of dangerous and noble things.
I want to be light and frolicsome.
I want to be improbable beautiful and afraid of nothing,
as though I had wings.

- Mary Oliver -

24 weeks