the peace of wild things/january 2010

new home.

2010-02-12T07:17:00.000-08:00

i have unanswered prayers.

2010-01-17T07:16:00.000-08:00

a rare few hours alone here, this morning. not too many wake-up cries in the middle of the night from noah & jonah, & resting in bed til almost 8 o'clock, felt nice & appropriate since it's sort of grey & rainy outside. matthew took the boys to the zoo, while i somehow screwed up a pot of coffee in the percolator. second try worked like a charm, and wow is the coffee from a percolator so much better than the drip machine we had before. i'm only allowing myself one small cup, but it is just really wonderful. i made cupcakes before i made breakfast for myself; cream of wheat with molasses (trying to up my iron intake as it is nice & low). i have a corner in the playroom i can't seem to make the time to clean, and it's all my mess.

reading lots of good books lately, my nose in about 4 at the same time, trying to understand noah better & myself better & my relationships better. praying for understanding. praying for communication & for nurturing. praying for the little girl that will be here in just a couple months.

meanwhile, i can't get enough of her voice.

new rhythms.

2010-01-08T11:19:00.000-08:00

in between all the not-so-fun parenting stuff are little lights that i'm trying to focus on & savor. like, the almost full hour of uninterrupted, sweet play between noah & jonah this morning, as they fiddled with their tinkertoys. (i'm pretty sure this has been the best christmas present by Far; they spend a lot of time working on new little creations every day!) & how beautiful the snow looked, with the brief sunlight bouncing & flickering on it -- a still moment to dwell on while i washed some dishes. & how i've been able to sit down & enjoy a cup of tea every day this week. i still don't know how to truly navigate the ever-changing emotions & phobias of my four year old, but i love watching him read a book to his little brother, even if the moment passes by so quickly i have to remind myself it just happened.

this last week we incorporated some intentional daily learning via the five in a row/before five in a row curriculum. of course it has Only been a week, but so far it feels like a great fit for us. the focus on books works with our natural inclination, and the lessons are very adaptable & fun. noah seems really into it, and jonah likes listening to the stories.

next week i think i will introduce having all of our mealtimes at the table once again. we've migrated into the playroom for a lot of meals & snacks, and i just want to get away from that. so, with a little rearranging this weekend, we will have a little nook carved out in the kitchen for their little table, right in front of the radiator. this way they will be nice & cozy in the kitchen while i get them breakfast! this will hopefully also be more inviting for miss ruby june, who will be with us in a few short months.

there is still the almost daily muck to wade through, but there is beauty in every step. as hard & painful as it can be sometimes, i love being a mother & wife. & i do truly appreciate the work it takes to be both. living consciously & with intention requires a constant shuffle, a constant learning, a constant desire to fight against complacency. i am unwilling to be a half-present mother, a distant wife, & what is funny & what is *of Course* is that i am both of these by nature. when things get really hard i want, i need to sleep. i want to pretend it isn't happening. but thankfully, i have three teachers in this house & one in my belly that keep reminding me that That is not the way. maybe it can be for an afternoon, but not for a lifetime.

and so i keep going on, one foot in front of the other. shaky sometimes, but still moving.

words for 2010.

2009-12-31T07:25:00.000-08:00

tentative words for 2010:

rhythm
&
less

happy new year's eve!

the holy child's song by thomas merton

2009-12-24T04:54:00.000-08:00

When midnight occupied the porches of the Poet's reason
Sweeter than any bird
He heard the Holy Child.

Song
"When My kind Father, kinder than the sun,
With looks and smiles bends down
And utters My bodily life,
My flesh, obeying, praises Heaven like a smiling cloud.
Then I become the laughter of the watercourses.
I am the gay wheat fields, the serious hills:
I fill the sky with words of light, and My incarnate songs
Fly in and out the branches of My childish voice
Like thrushes in a tree.

"And when My Mother, pretty as a church,
Takes Me upon her lap, I laugh with love,
Loving to live in her flesh, which is My house and full of
light!
(Because the sky My Spirit enters in at all the windows)
O, then what songs and what incarnate joys
Dance in the brightest rays of My childish voice!

"In winter when the birds put down their flutes
And wind plays sharper than a fife upon the icy rain,
I sit in this crib,
And laugh like fire, and clap My golden hands:
To view my friends the timid beasts-
Their great brown flanks, muzzles and milky breath!

"Therefore come, shepherds, from your rocky hill,
And bend about My crib in wonder and adore My joy.
My glances are as good as wine.
The little rivers of My smile
Will wash away all ruins from your eyes,
As I lift up My hands,
As white as blackthorn blossoms,
And charm and kiss you with My seven sacraments.

"This seeming winter is your spring
When skies put off their armor:
Because My Heart already holds
The secret mortal wound,
By which I shall transform all deserts into garden-ground:
And there the peaceful trees,
All day say credos, being full of leaves -
And I will come and be your noon-day sun,
And make your shadows palaces of moving light:
And you will show Me your flowers."

When the midnight occupied the porches of the Poet's reason
Sweeter than any bird
He heard the Holy Child.

(thomas merton)

starlings in winter

2009-12-18T11:20:00.000-08:00

I feel my boots
trying to leave the ground,
I feel my heart pumping hard,

I want to think again of dangerous and noble things.
I want to be light and frolicsome.
I want to be improbable beautiful and afraid of nothing,
as though I had wings.

- Mary Oliver -

24 weeks

2009-12-16T06:41:00.001-08:00

all the King's horns

2009-12-07T06:53:00.000-08:00

there's the first snow, laying out there on the ground, in the trees. the boys squealed & jumped up & down this morning when i opened the curtains & showed them the gift left for us. after calling matthew to make sure he made it to work okay, we celebrated the first snowfall with the boy's first cup of hot chocolate ever, complete with whipped cream on top. they loved & savored every last drop!

there is Christmas, just around the corner, always coming more quickly than i ever imagine. there are a few gifts left to be purchased, but we are mostly done. we still have lots of Christmasy type decorations to put up, but i think we may just keep it simple this year. the tree is already up & ruby's corner is already set up, save for some things to hang on the walls.

there is this little girl growing inside, teaching me more & more about patience, teaching me things i can't even grasp yet. so happy to be planning a homebirth this time, to have a wonderful midwife that is also becoming a true friend; it is truly a gift to be cared for by a midwife, & even moreso when you share a common spiritual ground, understanding. & to be able to birth this little one in the home my grandparents lived in for so many years? i really can't even describe how that makes me feel.

there is the desire & need to create more rhythm in our daily life. to form something now that will still be doable come spring, when there is a new little life to tend to. so, i'm working on that. sketching things out, planning some things. morning circle time, art days, craft times, reading times, gardening. i will map it all out & then we will practice & adjust things as we go.

so happy to be realising i am not a mother that longs for children to become school age, so that i can have some Me time. i am always striving for balance, and am also sensing that traditional school may not be for Noah, right now.

did i mention the snow? & the sufjan stevens christmas music always playing? & the glow of the lights on the tree? & the nag champa? & the coffee with whipped cream? & our sunday mornings, hectic as they may be, spent with families that are trying to do the same thing? trying to Live Out Love?

call to prayer.

2009-11-16T07:12:00.000-08:00

for some reason, when i hear the little belly chime quietly sing to the little one in my belly, it reminds me of the calls to prayer we would hear in philadelphia, walking home from the el station. there were no chimes, so i don't know why it resonates so much right now, but when i'm walking around & hear that little bell, it brings me to the present, i say a little prayer for our baby, and keep walking.

it's good stuff.

18 weeks

2009-11-05T16:50:00.001-08:00

the necklace is a chime pendant that makes the gentlest, sweetest sounds for the baby to hear.

thirty-four times around the sun

2009-10-30T07:07:00.000-07:00

today i am thirty-four.

seventeen weeks

2009-10-26T18:16:00.001-07:00

baby spring, seventeen weeks.

revelation

2009-10-22T07:03:00.000-07:00

sit down,
i have bad news.
i am not always right.
i do not always have the answers,
i can not always fix things.
i may not always know what to do.
but here is the good news: i will always try.
i will try because i want your way
to be simple.
i want your world to be safe.
i want your life to be filled with
goodness and grace.

all mothers want these things for their sons,
but mothers are not in charge.
so we fight however we can:
with our voices,
our votes,
our valor.
our ammunition
is love;
our inspiration
is you.

--jayne jaudon ferrer

breathe.

2009-10-21T08:04:00.001-07:00

exhaling, i feel the breath leave me.
when it is cold
i can see this bit of personal steam
escaping into the air.

now... if i wait patiently...
the breath will remember to come back.
it will return with my life. over and over
my life is returned like this
because You are breathing me.

this gift is given to me countless times a day.
all i have to do is remember!

-- gunilla norris, being home

mothers.

2009-10-18T14:47:00.000-07:00

"It would seem to the unthinking that mothers of children, whether one or a dozen, are intensely preoccupied with creatures: their little ones, food, clothing, shelter, matters that are down to earth and grossly material, such as dirty diapers, dishes, cooking, cramming baby mouths with food, etc. Women's bodies, heavy with children, dragged down by children, are a weight like a cross to be carried about. From morning until night they are preoccupied with cares, but it is care for others, for the duties God has given them. It is a road, once set out upon, from which there is no turning back. Every woman knows that feeling of not being able to escape, of the inevitability of her hour drawing ever nearer. This path of pain is a woman's lot. It is her glory and her salvation. She must accept.

We try to escape, of course, either habitually or occasionally. But we never can. The point I want to make is that a woman can achieve the highest spirituality and union with God through her house and children, through doing her work, which leaves her no time for thought of self, for consolation, for prayer, for reading, for what she might consider development. She is being led along the path of growth inevitably. But she needs to be told these things, instructed in these things, for her hope and endurance, so that she may use what prayer she can, to cry out in the darkness of the night.

Here is her mortification of the senses:

Her eyes are affronted by disorder, confusion, the sight of human ailments and human functions. Her nose also; her ears tormented with discordant cries, her appetite failing often; her sense of touch in agony from fatigue and weakness.

Her interior senses are also mortified. She is alone with her little ones, her interest adapted to theirs; she has not even the companionship of books. She has no longer the gay companions of her youth (their nerves coudn't stand it). So she has solitude, and a silence from the sounds she'd like to hear -- conversations, music, discussion.

Of course there are consolations and joys. Babies and small children are pure beauty, love, joy -- the truest of this world. But the thorns are there -- of night watches, of illnesses, of infant perversities and contrariness. There are glimpses of heaven and hell."

Dorothy Day, On Pilgrimage.

i do not exist.

2009-10-15T10:29:00.000-07:00

feeling everything so intensely these days. seeing my own broken parts & feeling deeply the brokenness in others, but instead of being able to hold it & give it to the Divine, i am taking it all to heart, too personally. feeling a lot of times a sense of feeling left Out, of not being told everything, of being overlooked, with nothing to offer & no desire to put myself Out There, to resort back to old, juvenile behavior of "can you see me? do you hear me? am i invisible?" all of this is magnified by a pregnancy that is far more emotional than my others, far more intense in a purely emotional way. physically i feel good most days... but emotionally i am raw, even with bach's rescue remedy close at hand.

i was born a creative creature, someone meant to work with her hands, and i have not done that in forever. this in itSelf causes craziness. not doing what we were divinely created for certainly can wreak havoc! i've tried to start knitting again but cannot find any groove, and have frogged the same thing more than five times. just my daily schedule doesn't really allow for painting... since i am not getting home from work til after nine and by then i've been up for at least 15 hours and am just Tired. i am trying to sort out a routine for the boys & i, now that we are down to one car & spend most of our days here at home, but i haven't made the effort to just sit down & map it all out. this morning i realized that my goal this fall was to begin making all our own bread products, and i haven't started on that yet. this would give my hands & heart some work, which it desperately needs, and so i hope to diligently start baking bread again this weekend.

& yet in the midst of all my moaning & kvetching there are so many good things going on: friends have had beautiful births & healthy babies, friends are About to have beautiful births & healthy babies, God willing; matthew has an art show opening tomorrow night,& we are having a homebirth with this spring little one growing inside. the leaves are beautiful, our furnance is noisy but Working, & tonight we're having homemade chicken noodle soup for dinner.

all things grow, all things grow.

mysteries, yes.

2009-10-02T10:23:00.000-07:00

Mysteries, Yes

Truly, we live with mysteries too marvelous
to be understood.

How grass can be nourishing in the
mouths of the lambs.
How rivers and stones are forever
in allegiance with gravity
while we ourselves dream of rising.
How two hands touch and the bonds
will never be broken.
How people come, from delight or the
scars of damage,
to the comfort of a poem.

Let me keep my distance, always, from those
who think they have the answers.

Let me keep company always with those who say
"Look!" and laugh in astonishment,
and bow their heads.

~ Mary Oliver ~

if you can remember

2009-08-13T22:23:00.000-07:00

If You Can Remember

If you can remember that it takes three of my steps to equal one of yours;

If you understand that I must view life at an eye level three feet below yours;

If you can touch my life with your faith, without taking away my need for self-determination;

Then I can grow, learn, and become.

~ ~ ~

If you can remember that it takes time for me to gain the experience in living you have already had;

If you can understand that I can only relate to those things which have meaning on my levels of maturity;

If you can let me take a step of independence when I can, instead of thrusting me out or pulling me back;

If you can touch my life with your hope, without destroying my sense of reality;

Then I can grow, learn and become.

~ ~ ~

If you can remember that it takes courage for me to try again after failure, just like you;

If you can let me find my own path when I want, instead of choosing for me the way you think I should go;

If you can touch my life with your love, without taking away the space I need to breathe;

Then I can grow, learn and become.

~ ~ ~

Marti King For The Montessori Foundation

here comes another light, again!

2009-08-07T11:08:00.001-07:00

meditations to myself ::2::

2009-08-04T12:14:00.001-07:00

if you are in the present moment, Your grass is the greenest. there isn't time or attention available to wish for something Else. when you are Present to the moment at hand you don't have a chance to compare yourself, to make yourself feel guilty for what you are doing of Not doing. when you are Being In Your Life you are truly living, breathing, aware that this moment is a GIFT to treasure & the next, all the rest, is not known.

you don't need anything special to "make memories" -- you just need to be there.

meditations to myself ::1::

2009-07-30T07:24:00.000-07:00

the beauty about being in the present moment is the Awareness of a fresh start. the grace of trying again. the openness of allowing yourself to become the person, the parent you were designed to be. when the day starts to feel tight, when there is too much going on, when i'm running on too much coffee & not enough patience, when the boys have lost all their words except "MINE!" and "NO!" -- i make us all sit down, hold hands (if they'll agree), & take a deep breath together. sometimes, i ask for two or three breaths. & more often than not, it's enough to change the course of the day. bringing myself back to the present, holding their hands & bringing them into the moment too -- it brings us back together. jonah will pause to "hear the birdies sing." noah will smile & say "i love you." i notice the joy behind their eyes, the love in their hearts, the wisdom in their souls that i can only hope for. in the present moment, everything is vivid, no matter what is going on.

life is vibrant.

there is no good in me.

2009-07-26T18:44:00.001-07:00

God invites us to hold the needs of our brothers and sisters as dear to us as our own.

i cannot get this out of my head.

i think for a long time, instead of realizing How Much we have,
i've been focused on what we Might Need someday, or what we might need
tomorrow, or what we are "supposed to have."

i think for a long time, i thought i was trusting God, when
in reality i was just pretending to truly trust. instead, i was
trying to manipulate life myself. maybe to others it looked like
we were doing the "right thing."

but trusting God with our daily needs? really trusting, from that deep down, from your belly place? nah.

& by not really trusting God for Our provision, how could we even think about sharing what we have? maybe sharing a little, sure... but sharing More? really giving everything we don't need?

right now i feel like we can't give enough away. no matter what goes, there is always so much more. some of it tangible. some of it intangible.

i pray for compassion, for mercy, for peace to rain,reign down on us all. on every person i meet. on every eye i gaze into. in every situation. i pray for open eyes, for ears to hear the subtle nudges, the small needs.

it all matters. the biggest need & the smallest need. the most passionate desire & the one sitting on the backburner on a low flame. it all matters.

one day i hope His compassion, His mercy, His peace glows,grows out of my heart. i hope one day you will be able to see it all over me, one giant tattoo, one life just trying to live like Jesus asks me to.

drippy love.

2009-07-18T06:26:00.000-07:00

in between the power struggles,
the "mine!" shouting matches,
the subtle glares & the
Figuring It Out,
there are those moments so crisp
& full of life, so full of love
it overflows, it spills onto the floor.

it's a spill worth bathing in.
the few minutes lying in bed while the boys
just start to wake up,
looking out the window at the trees,
the few sips of coffee when everyone is quietly playing.
the new found freedom of showering while
the boys sit on the floor eating blueberries.

the peace in every moment
the singing & fighting
the hugs & tears
the laughs & the spirit
the love that drips from it all.

endless summer days

2009-07-16T16:27:00.000-07:00

so many things going on lately, going through my head, heart... so many moments to savor & balancing staying in the moment & planning ahead.

there was a definite line drawn in the sand when i started having children. before they were here, i was able to cultivate a state of mind that would last days, weeks, months. now, it seems many days are spent going through every emotion imaginable, wearing twenty different hats, juggling my roles as mySelf, a wife, a mother, a referee, a teacher, a nurturer, a doula, a bookseller, a friend, a daughter, a niece....

i really dig the spontaneous moments of quiet mind & heart. the few minutes spent washing dishes & listening to nick drake while matthew plays with the boys outside. making iced tea while belle & sebastian sings to me & folding diapers to the weepies. sometimes i'll go out at night when matthew puts the boys to bed, to run a few errands, and it takes a few minutes to crawl back into mySelf. the stillness in Being can almost be too much for a few minutes. & then i can take a deep breath, and say a prayer or two, remembering each moment is new, & try to let these little moments of stillness carry me through.

of course, this is as if i can do any of this on my own, without God.

there is no good in me except Him.

because, sometimes

2009-07-02T08:37:00.001-07:00

...sometimes you need cupcakes for breakfast.

being & space, six months later.

2009-07-02T06:52:00.000-07:00

the Divine breathed the words *being* & *space* into my heart when i was contemplating words to meditate on throughout this year, and what a ride it has been! i have so much to say about it, but i am just really, really excited & have a patient craziness in my heart, watching & waiting to see how these words come into play for me these last six months of the year.

happy father's day

2009-06-21T03:54:00.000-07:00

For My Son Noah, Ten Years Old
By Robert Bly

Night and day arrive and day after day goes by,
and what is old remains old, and what is young remains
young and grows old,
and the lumber pile does not grow younger, nor the
weathered two-by-fours lose their darkness,
but the old tree goes on, the barn stands without help so
many years,
the advocate of darkness and night is not lost.

The horse swings around on one leg, steps, and turns,
the chicken flapping claws onto the roost, its wings whelping
and whalloping,
but what is primitive is not to be shot out into the night and
the dark.
And slowly the kind man comes closer, loses his rage, sits
down at table.

So I am proud only of those days that we pass in undivided
tenderness,
when you sit drawing, or making books, stapled, with
messages to the world...
or coloring a man with fire coming out of his hair.
Or we sit at a table, with small tea carefully poured;
so we pass our time together, calm and delighted.

===============================================================

happy father's day to the most amazing husband & father i know.

love eternal!
amanda

married music, revisited. (2002)

2009-06-20T05:03:00.000-07:00

my dearest love,

it is snowing again, quite softly but still falling. i am blessed with such a soft place to fall.

i steal glimpses of you writing, thinking, reading, absorbing, as i walk about the house...room to room, me and my made up list of chores. (self-imposed, of course). i steal drops of the peace dripping from your smiles.

we eat in small silences, those little dumplings we can't get enough of. do you remember our first meals? in silence across a rickety kitchen table, still too bashful to look in each others eyes without covering our mouths! like we simply couldn't handle the whole picture, the whole truth, the whole of what Love is. what living love means.

i've never felt more love than with you.
it envelopes every part of our day;
first soft, morning gazes and small bowls
filled with homemade creations.

& you bless me, even though i wake you every night with my sneezes.

eternally yours,
amanda.

love,

i sing around the house & it echoes, your absence felt but i also feel you so closely...put your hand to my heart, do you feel it still flutter?

we dream in fits & starts, sleep heavy & heads full, eyes weary, keeping our fists tight in pockets holding onto, cultivating, growing, the only peace we know.

there are windows in every room & we are not isolated. our lives spill out onto the driveway & down the road, past bulldozers & trucks much too big to be traipsing down this way.

my fingernails are dirty and broken, sitting just under the place that screams if you aren't careful. i've been sticking my hands in dirt & washing them with spray paint & soaking them in laundry detergent & paper cuts.

who says we have to grow up, grow out of innocence & simplicity? why much we grow out of bashfulness & tears? let's stay six forever & let's never forget how blessed we are, how grateful we are, how close we are to our brothers & sisters who sleep with both eyes open, bellies beyond hunger, and hearts that don't understand what grows out of fear.

peace & love, always & forever,

amanda.

married music, letters. revisited. (2002)

2009-06-18T06:02:00.000-07:00

dearest matthew,

i am grateful that we ask each other (too?) often, if we are okay. i am grateful for the little blasts of short nerves we sometimes share, so obviously sorry for them as soon as they surface. these things count; these moments are evidence of two lives longing to live in Peace...to cultivate what it is to live out what we've learned.

i get frustrated with myself for wasting time. i should be reading, writing, painting, singing, offering fresh socks to the sebbi's of walnut street. not wondering around & sitting stagnant. your patience with me is never-ending, and for that i could never show enough gratitude.

past situations argue with us in dreams, try to snap away our sensibilities, our walking shoes. is it obnoxious to think that maybe they try and strangle us because they do not know what grace is? (but maybe we've caught a glimpse of it?) they refuse to accept that we are new each morning. they want to be airlifted to a promised land, instead of putting their shoes on and walking. there's no way out other than straight through.

we're winding down time here, in the city. we're already boxing up a few things and mentally preparing. weeks left and i'm falling in love with the view from our windows again, falling in love with it for the last time. seeing the other direction we're going, and knowing in my heart it's the best way.

love eternal,

amanda

wifey,

forgive this letter for maybe not being strictly a response to your last great letter but my own venting, my own crying for renewal, praying for my spirit to be received.

sometimes i want to take all the silly little questionable things i do and obliterate them and start over from scratch with a more authentic self. i change often and blow in the wind quite easily, yield to all waves and float aimlessly with big stupid smiles on my face--i'm really a child. and thank you without end for putting up with it. i promise to try and stop and tie my shoes and look at them and know why and remember and make a stronger effort for both of us-continuing our traditions (many,many) but with my own stability assured.

thank you again,

love, matthew

wifey,

i'm not sure what it was -- some little push in me that got me out of bed earlier than the usual late morning hours. now the sun isn't even close to coming up,i'm kind of proud. and what were you doing last night, when i went to bed early? now i know-i woke up stumbling out to the living room and finding the over sized homemade envelope with love,homemade everything-card inside which was beautifully bound by hand-string that twists and intertwines, cuts back across itself, it hugs.

i don't know how you do such wonderful things, but know that you wait until i fall asleep-i can't even remember what time you came in-except that i was asleep. you are wonderful,amazing.

oh love, i see now
how you did it. here is the string that
was on the floor and it's tied, not to a pin
but to an old sad nail that we found
and how come when i wake up
early there is no falling snow to be seen?

love eternal,
matthew

married music, letters. revisited.

2009-06-17T07:10:00.001-07:00

last week i found a copy of our first married music letters. & since our 7th anniversary is next week, i thought i'd reprint them here. in celebration!

married music letters, volume one (2002)

o wifey,

i was just thinking about our wedding, our marriage even more so, our whole life together which has seemed to be one great unique movement together in life. i think we always tried to break conventions naturally, not to be different but because that just wasn't what our lives were made for.

our humble little wedding too was the greatest time of my life that i can remember. the tender moments of quiet -- my nervous pacing in the yard and your family thinking it funny, me nervous for no great reason,just because we would be spotlighted in some ways in front of everyone. but it was a really comforting and wonderful time. it was silly, there was no real reason to be nervous at all.

our friends just made it, my best fellow, and we all laughed cause we were old friends even as we're so young. our parents, all our family were really beautifying our marriage in sharing it with us, and supporting us and laughing at our stumbling around like little babies, new at this marriage thing but long since convinced that this is what love really is.

yours eternally,
matthew

dearheart,

four months, two years, lifetimes... it's true our hearts have always been connected. how else could you explain our utter Lack of needing words? silence & small voices defy society's standard of comfort, yet there we were, even our first days, hands over mouths & staring contests.
one day away from four married months & i laugh, thinking about how nervous we Both were. how gorgeous it was to sit with you in early mornings... to look at you & smile & realise this is Really Happening.
it's true my family has never seen me so utterly happy. they do not know this side of me.

& there was the driving: narrow country roads along the river, no stop lights, no traffic. winding through warsaw & collapsing into the tiny house on the river. windows everywhere & i confess a little sea sickness when i woke up in the mornings, thinking for a second we were on a boat. (you dreamed of diving barges). fogs were heavy. remember the naps? the records playing? the knocks on the door? i never thought there could be a more perfect day than any we already share. but those days in june with family, friends & old, dear souls are like fresh kisses every time i look back. (complete with all the nervous energy & smiles).

i truly believe we are Living what Love really is, as you say. & understanding it more fully every minute.

love eternal,
amanda

*more to come tomorrow!*

energies.

2009-06-16T08:07:00.001-07:00

there is this energy, this bubbling up, this Stirring that i have no words for, no name for, nothing can describe it. it feels something like too much caffeine in my blood, my heart wanting to beat faster, a heart so full it feels about to burst, doves flying out of my chest & belly, peace & angst & energy & rest altogether. not wanting to waste even a minute. trying not to take a thing for granted. keeping my ears, my eyes, my heart open.

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday; this is the birth
day of life and of love and wings: and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any--lifted from the no
of all nothing--human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

(eecummings)

hope.

2009-06-15T05:48:00.001-07:00

trying really hard to not let weird family dynamics bum me out, but instead giving thanks for the fact that i DO have parents, siblings, aunts & uncles... and we are all doing the best that we can. still, it can be hard.

and all of the sudden totally not sure about the place we picked for noah to go to preschool. love the Teacher, (she taught me), but do not love the handbook we read for the school, full of religious legalism & just some Yuck. and it's just preschool, so many say. but really? i am still sorting through some junk from that early on. i just want my children to be cherished & not to have any religiosity thrown in their faces... or to be looked at differently because their Parents are looked at differently. interesting how the simplest things are sometimes the hardest.

early morning dance parties, with waffles & watermelon & grapes for good measure, mewithoutYou our morning anthem almost every day... hot coffee, divine hours, nt wright, books on birds, new paper journals, noah writing out thank you cards.

if anyone has 99,000 in extra cash lying around, there is a really sweet house i'd like to buy! we'd pay you back, over time. and you could come for dinner anytime!

scissor-tailed flycatcher.

2009-06-12T12:02:00.001-07:00

charley harper's scissor-tailed flycatcher.
tattoo by jeremiah griswold, at mothers tattoo.

nothing is mine.

2009-05-31T16:26:00.001-07:00

there is definitely a renewed energy in my heart, in my soul, in our home. i feel like we are experiencing life in much sharper focus these days. so much of our time the last few years has been spent feeling a little disconnected spiritually, definitely like something was missing, but we couldn't quite name it, place it... but now, it just feels like the haze is lifting, our lives here feel more focused & intentional. still amazed & thankful for each new day, for each new moment. there is such peace in knowing God's timing is perfect & ours is so completely not. there is such peace in trusting that He knows our desires & that we feel like we are listening to His desires for us, so it is wasteful to worry, or wish or desire for something we do not have. clearly too, we are being asked to rid ourselves of our own saving graces... for us, right now, it just makes more sense to share what we have than to hoard it for some other time. what is the point of holding on to anything? Anything, really? nothing in this place is ours. everything is a gift. my dear, beautiful children are a Gift. my amazing husband is a Gift. this house? a gift. these clothes? a gift.

nothing is mine. and i have too much. so if you see anything you need? just take it.

thinking, lately....

2009-05-16T16:50:00.000-07:00

i just think that Not living in community is too easy. when you aren't in community there is always a way out. always an excuse can be made if you don't want to see someone, or do something. it's just too easy a way to live, too self-serving, too limiting, too isolating to be in a place where you have to drive everywhere, all the time, where you email & call instead of knocking on doors. i've had amazingly beautiful experiences living in community, and extremely hard experiences. but even in the hard times, we all were Doing life together.... not just sharing what we wanted to when we felt like it. not just always showing what we think others want to see. when you are Doing life with others, all your faults start to show up... all your insecurities and doubts.... all your Stuff you try to keep hidden... it all makes it to the surface & that's when real Life, real Living happens. that's when we can really learn to Love one another, wholly, as whole people, good & bad, beautiful & ugly, strong & insecure, happy & sad, excited & terrified.

everything.

2009-05-09T09:45:00.000-07:00

sitting here, a few minutes before i have to go to work, listening to all my boys playing outside, screaming, laughing, rolling & running down the hills... hearing their voices carry all the way up here... that says it all to me.

gentle reminders.

2009-04-29T07:29:00.001-07:00

i wrote this on january sixth:

Being.

to Be Alive. to Be Aware. to Be Living in the Present Moment. Mindfulness. Unceasing Prayer. Awareness. Contentment. Peace. Active. Listening. Moving. Self-caring. Filling. Providing. Resting. Being In It All, in a nonjudgemental way, bathing in awareness of the present moment & little, (hopefully) nothing more. that is what Being is to me.

Space.

clearing Space physically, clearing the clutter, always trying to pair down, to get rid of what we don't need. clearing space in my head, my heart, my ears, my soul for whatever is happening in any given moment or situation. clearing mental/physical/spiritual space for my husband & children, so that they have a clearness, an openness, to receive what is theirs to receive for the moment. space financially so we can give freely & space in my vain ego for when we are on the receiving end of something freely given. clearing the table off to eat dinner. moving furniture around to provide more room. protecting my children's space to be children instead of signing them up for this & that. clearing whatever is in the way so that my family can thrive.

these were my "words for the year."

also, noah asked today if we could walk over to someone's house, & when i told him we'd have to drive over he asked why we couldn't just walk? i asked him if he wanted to live where we Could just walk on over to play with friends, and he screamed YES!!!

peace with every step.

what would you do?

2009-04-24T08:31:00.000-07:00

would you stay where you are because you are comfortable? because you like your home, you Know your home, you have memories made in the home... because it is a "good" school district, (if you decide on sending your kids to public school), because it is a "decent" neighborhood, (where all the drug deals happen on the corner Off the street), because it is a house that family has lived in for years upon years and you carry the weight of Their attachment to the place on your heart? would you stay even though no matter how hard your little family has tried, it is an isolating place? a beautiful backyard, wonderful chandeliers, a sweet little porch, but isolated? and how much can you really grow, spiritually, (and in every other way) when you are isolated? didn't Jesus call us into community?

what if you could live somewhere else, in probably a very similar house, that costs more money than what you are paying now, with less room, a smaller yard, a different neighborhood? maybe a place that Other people may see as a worse neighborhood? but what if that place called to your heart, deep down where there really are no words? what if you could plant tulips and lavendar and introduce yourself to your new neighbors with brownies and reinstate those weekly *family dinners* you have such fondness for? & what if this community included a bunch of other families trying to do the same thing?

wouldn't you just go? wouldn't you just go?

garden of the heart

2009-04-17T04:17:00.001-07:00

my fancy camera was cranky this morning because the battery needs to be recharged, so this isn't the best picture. 'garden of the heart' woodcut by ade bethune; tattoo by jeremiah griswold. i'm already planning the next one!

godspeak

2009-04-15T06:51:00.000-07:00

this morning i woke up feeling pulled in directions totally out of my comfort zone, which is so good & can be so scary. i definitely feel a lot of change in the air. some of it is seasonal; i am always in this state of little upheavals in spring, it seems. a lot of it is spiritual & definitely like "hello! come see what's going on! come participate in what you've been asking for all along! oh does that make you feel unsettled, insecure? well it should! that's where all the good stuff happens! you have so much! why can't you just give it all away? why can't you trust Me and give it all away? everything & everyone is Mine, remember? don't get too comfortable in your own ways. don't think you have even an ounce of strength to live this life on your own. stop worrying about the details & just look straight ahead. stop thinking so much with your head. hands to heart & heart to hands. let the tears come when you are sad & when you are happy. be honest about it all. stop wanting to be comfortable because then you'll just get lazy & then oh... everything is so much harder."

so we're dancing to all the openings, the possibilities, the nudges & the anxieties. smiling at it all, greeting it all with a big hug & inhaling as deeply as possible... tasting & seeing that He is good.

work is love

2009-04-10T10:42:00.000-07:00

"work is love made visible.
and if you cannot work with love but only with distaste,
it is better that you should leave your work
and sit at the gate of the temple
and take alms of those who work with Joy."

--kahlil gibran

wild peace

2009-03-31T05:46:00.001-07:00

constant inspiration, oozing out of cookbooks, art books, noah & jonah's doodles, matthew's writing & smiles. the way dozens of cardinals & robins were in our backyard this weekend, hovering, hanging out, singing to all of us, telling us all to slow down, to pay attention, to be Present, to just Be. our deer family, this morning, walking slowly through the yard & carefully crossing the street. my boys binging on dried mango slices. fleet foxes as background noise almost always. endless cups of tea, curls that are truly wild, and actually eeking out a written letter for the first time in a few months. starting my morning today reading from the divine hours for springtime,, mary oliver's dream work, and some wendell berry poems. noah's current obsession with john lennon, jonah saying hi to everyone & everything. the way life Flows, and how much easier it is to just Go with it.

& fresh arugula growing on the side porch already, enough to snack on everyday.

my moon boys

2009-03-29T20:15:00.000-07:00

yesterday afternoon i caught a glimpse of matthew & noah, playing & sitting with each other, sharing conversations i couldn't hear, laughing and smiling and pointing & playing. it felt so profound, so Big... it felt like a little glimpse of the same scenario ten years from now, twenty years from now, thirty years from now...

i stood & washed dishes & kept peeking out at them, half curious about what was really being said, and half bashful that just taking a picture from inside was somehow going to disturb the sacred moment.

spring turns.

2009-03-22T08:21:00.000-07:00

new glasses. the smell of freshly swept rugs. windows open, welcoming the sun & fresh air. picnic tables, thinking about camping in the summer as a family, telling matthew about the funny dream i had last night where i was attacked by a snake; he ripped the body off but left the head & i had to go to the hospital to get it removed. strange? seeing the first of the daffodils bloom this morning. boys getting dose after dose of fresh air, anxiously awaiting the days when most of our time can be spent outside. thinking about filling up the basement freezer with icepops & veggie burgers, so i can grill our lunches without even going back inside the house.

i think that sounds nice.

tuckered.

2009-03-21T09:44:00.001-07:00

today i am tuckered out. i woke up that way. & it seems that is how it's been the last few weeks.... a good, energy filled day followed by an exhausted one. i remember telling myself, writing in my paper journal, about how i needed to focus more energy on taking Care of Myself this year. that i have been neglectful & mindless about my health & wellbeing & now, well, i have been forced to sleep a lot more, to eat better, to rest, to just relax. & it is a good, hard lesson. i am always seeking for, striving for balance, and am so grateful that life is a Process & i have been given time to reflect on how i can take care of myself more thoughtfully.

so for starters, i'll sit here on the couch with a cup of tea & a magazine, while jonah naps & matthew & noah are at the art museum.

& maybe i'll fall asleep.

spring feathers.

2009-03-20T08:26:00.000-07:00

this morning, to celebrate the first day of spring, noah & jonah & i headed over to the speckled bird cafe for a little mid-morning treat. the boys had a lot of fun, i got my fill of wonderful music i never seem to take time to listen to anymore (julie doiron, mainly), and i also had the best chai tea i've had in i don't know how long. it was just a really lovely way to spend the morning. noah & jonah were saying hi to everyone as they came in, as if we were regulars, when actually this was our first time there.
i am in love with the place!

& on the walk back to the car, we found two beautiful feathers. what a special day!

i am still struggling with a wicked cough, but the pneumonia is hopefully leaving my system by now! it's been a rough few weeks, with matthew being sick, then the boys, and then myself. our hard-drive crashed, our boiler cracked again...but! it is spring, it is a new day, there is much to be thankful for, there is sparkling beauty in the midst of it all.

happy spring to you.

break time

2009-03-09T19:07:00.000-07:00

our Main computer bit the dust today, which sort of stinks because there are some photos on it we did't back up. but, it's not a big deal. and the computer was also our television, so we are without one again. and it is very nice.

& it may just stay that way!

buckets of love

2009-03-03T05:10:00.000-08:00

because i cannot be home for every bedtime, because i can't zip up their pajamas & give them snuggly kisses & hugs & tell them to brush their teeth just a few more seconds, because i am not the one who gets to sing them to sleep, rocking & swaying & listening for their breath to change, because i cannot be home with them for every bedtime, i leave them little notes in a mailbox. they read them before bed, and toss them into the bucket.

sow & see

2009-03-01T19:32:00.000-08:00

matthew & i are collaborating over here.

come sow & see!

in other news, I will email everyone with their mug & seed swap partner tomorrow evening!

much love.

two of my favorite things.

2009-02-26T17:48:00.000-08:00

spring is coming! mug & seed swap.

2009-02-24T11:28:00.000-08:00

to celebrate the birds returning, the daffodils sprouting, and the nights warming, if even only a Little Bit, how about a mug & seed swap? just comment here, or email me @ amwheelock@gmail.com, and be sure to include your mailing address. on march 1st matthew will draw names for us, and then we can swap mugs & seeds! no need to spend a lot of money, or any, really! im sure we all have wonderful mugs in our cabinets that would enjoy a new home.

email me with any questions! deadline is march 1st.

peace & love!

curls again.

2009-02-23T17:39:00.000-08:00

these are my curls. these are the curls i have loathed most of my life. i spent most of my childhood wanting straight hair. i remember showing up in college to a world of girls with long, straight, shiny hair. when we lived in philadelphia, all my girl friends had straight, dark hair. my hair, pre-babies, was very blonde, & much thicker than it is now. Now, now my hair is much darker & still, still those curls! even when i cut it super short, the waves creep in.

& today i just didn't feel like wearing a scarf in my hair, so here it is. here i am. denying these curls is denying my heritage. & my grandmother had these curls, and so did my mom & dad. i never stood a chance to have straight hair, and i think im Just Now starting to get over that.

here's to getting over (more of) myself!

quiet.

2009-02-11T09:12:00.001-08:00

feeling quiet lately, writing more in my paper journals than in this space. grateful for the warm weather these last few days. loving my family. learning patience. practicing peace. i've got a long way to go.

minding the gap

2009-02-04T14:21:00.000-08:00

grateful. exhausted. renewed. depleted. snow, snow everywhere! ice storm. hibernation. cabin fever. eating snow for snack-time. new diapers. casts off. learning to walk again. learning to Walk. leaning. sore feet. new shoes. garden journals, now five years old. aprons all the time. camera research. taxes. smith-berry winery. reliability. talking to my aunt everyday. growing vegetable soup. hectic dinners, but dinners nonetheless. brothers on the mend. sighs that turn into prayers that turn into a little sleep. restless nights. tea-laced days. tattoos. a book i want to read but can't bring myself to. waking up. Waking Up. february moon. nag champa. peace is every step. introverted. a little bit of silence, a little bit of space. Being.

praise song for the day (inauguration)

2009-01-21T09:24:00.000-08:00

Praise Song for the Day
by Elizabeth Alexander

A Poem for Barack Obama's Presidential Inauguration

Each day we go about our business,
walking past each other, catching each other's
eyes or not, about to speak or speaking.

All about us is noise. All about us is
noise and bramble, thorn and din, each
one of our ancestors on our tongues.

Someone is stitching up a hem, darning
a hole in a uniform, patching a tire,
repairing the things in need of repair.

Someone is trying to make music somewhere,
with a pair of wooden spoons on an oil drum,
with cello, boom box, harmonica, voice.

A woman and her son wait for the bus.
A farmer considers the changing sky.
A teacher says, Take out your pencils. Begin.

We encounter each other in words, words
spiny or smooth, whispered or declaimed,
words to consider, reconsider.

We cross dirt roads and highways that mark
the will of some one and then others, who said
I need to see what's on the other side.

I know there's something better down the road.
We need to find a place where we are safe.
We walk into that which we cannot yet see.

Say it plain: that many have died for this day.
Sing the names of the dead who brought us here,
who laid the train tracks, raised the bridges,

picked the cotton and the lettuce, built
brick by brick the glittering edifices
they would then keep clean and work inside of.

Praise song for struggle, praise song for the day.
Praise song for every hand-lettered sign,
the figuring-it-out at kitchen tables.

Some live by love thy neighbor as thyself,
others by first do no harm or take no more
than you need. What if the mightiest word is love?

Love beyond marital, filial, national,
love that casts a widening pool of light,
love with no need to pre-empt grievance.

In today's sharp sparkle, this winter air,
any thing can be made, any sentence begun.
On the brink, on the brim, on the cusp,

praise song for walking forward in that light.

Copyright © 2009 by Elizabeth Alexander. All rights reserved. Reprinted with the permission of Graywolf Press, Saint Paul, Minnesota. A chapbook edition of Praise Song for the Day will be published on February 6, 2009.

Being and Space.

2009-01-06T17:03:00.000-08:00

Being
merriam-websters definition:
1 a: the quality or state of having existence b (1): something conceivable as existing (2): something that actually exists (3): the totality of existing things
c: conscious existence : life
2: the qualities that constitute an existent thing : essence ; especially : personality
3: a living thing ; especially : person

Being.

to Be Alive. to Be Aware. to Be Living in the Present Moment. Mindfulness. Unceasing Prayer. Awareness. Contentment. Peace. Active. Listening. Moving. Self-caring. Filling. Providing. Resting. Being In It All, in a nonjudgemental way, bathing in awareness of the present moment & little, (hopefully) nothing more. that is what Being is to me.

Space.

clearing Space physically, clearing the clutter, always trying to pair down, to get rid of what we don't need. clearing space in my head, my heart, my ears, my soul for whatever is happening in any given moment or situation. clearing mental/physical/spiritual space for my husband & children, so that they have a clearness, an openness, to receive what is theirs to receive for the moment. space financially so we can give freely & space in my vain ego for when we are on the receiving end of something freely given. clearing the table off to eat dinner. moving furniture around to provide more room. protecting my children's space to be children instead of signing them up for this & that. clearing whatever is in the way so that my family can thrive.

~~~~~~~~~~

so, i am really excited about naming these *words for the year.* i have no idea where they will take me creatively; photographs? paintings? collages? sewing? knitting? who knows? i do know that both words bring me back to center, bring me back into the present moment, bring me peace & cause me to breathe a little bit deeper. & so, if all that comes of this is that, well then, that's enough.

the words of the year.

2009-01-06T04:42:00.000-08:00

many more details to come, but the words of the year for me are:

Being and space.

a broken hallelujah

2009-01-01T15:25:00.001-08:00

we rang in the new year in the emergency room, as jonah broke his leg yesterday during one of his usual dives towards the floor. he is so fearless! we are all exhausted, matthew is sick, and we are praying we All sleep more than we did last night.

tomorrow he will see a pediatric orthopaedist, for most likely a hard cast to replace this fiberglass one.

a constant spinning.

2008-12-30T04:55:00.001-08:00

i made this roll-up felt record player for noah for christmas. now he can spin his records wherever we are! he seems to really enjoy it & i love how it rolls right up & we can stick it in a bag. (or under his arm, if need be).

i finally hung up the ida pearle alphabet cards on a wall in the playroom. i love how they fill so much of the wall. the colors are so cheery without being too sweet & noah loves them!

a little peek at our stockings this year, just before i take them down!

daybreak.

2008-12-29T05:04:00.000-08:00

the sunrises have been so beautiful this last week. & even though sunrise is Always sort of gorgeous, these last few days have seemed especially so. my tired eyes appreciate the colors & the intensity, the hope & the promise of a new day. not taking things for granted, even sleeplessness & heavy eyes.

really, really enjoying my copy of "mad farmer" poems that matthew gave me. i've only read one here & there, but never have had them all in one place. & a new writing project i'll keep mostly to myself. ditching the coffee for tea, Most of the time, & holding a teething, clingy baby.

noah's playing a pedro the lion record & the house is glowing.

little tree, by ee cummings

2008-12-22T08:58:00.000-08:00

little tree
little silent Christmas tree
you are so little
you are more like a flower
who found you in the green forest
and were you very sorry to come away?
see i will comfort you
because you smell so sweetly
i will kiss your cool bark
and hug you safe and tight
just as your mother would,
only don't be afraid
look the spangles
that sleep all the year in a dark box
dreaming of being taken out and allowed to shine,
the balls the chains red and gold the fluffy threads,
put up your little arms
and i'll give them all to you to hold
every finger shall have its ring
and there won't be a single place dark or unhappy
then when you're quite dressed
you'll stand in the window for everyone to see
and how they'll stare!
oh but you'll be very proud
and my little sister and i will take hands
and looking up at our beautiful tree
we'll dance and sing
"Noel Noel"

-----

noah & jonah love christmas trees so much. any christmas decorations/lights, really. when we were at my parent's house yesterday noah was going from room to room exclaiming, "it's christmas in here!!" i really appreciate that they so enjoy the food, the decorations, the get-togethers with the family, and are grasping small parts of what Christmas truly means to us. they have no idea on thursday morning there will be gifts under the tree, and that they will be for THEM. they are not expecting or asking for a thing.

meanwhile, i have a few gifts to finish sewing, lots of cookies/breads to bake, and presents to wrap. oh, and work. the joys of retail, especially this time of year!

-----

i am more excited/happy/content/comfortable this holiday season than i have been in a few years.

we offer praise with quiet mind...

2008-12-20T08:15:00.000-08:00

married music, advent (a collaboration between matthew & i)

2008-12-18T08:44:00.000-08:00

married music,advent

it's advent,
i'm poor at keeping with
little hand journal i
plan on writing for this
our advent season.
it's a tall order for my
brain to keep track of little
things,each day,
how that reading that day
really translated into
what happened that day,
more than our socks,or
a child's enormous demands
and consolations,
crayon suns and moons,
both smiling and crying,
golden tree,
universal mudras pale to
jonah looking up with
soft eyes,noah reciting his
prayer from memory.
i start to realize how
little is in my control,and
how i try to put
myself at the center of all.
& the waiting, the waiting
cleaning out our ears, rubbing our eyes,
clearing out our hearts for
the New to come.
patiently waiting, seeing,
hoping, believing, being Shown,
being taught, being pruned, being
blessed, being comforted, being
loved, being stretched,
being Held.
never alone, reaching up even
when looking down.
grace comes raining down
even when we react in ways we wish
we didn't,
even when things aren't going
the way we'd like them to,
even when we think we are in control
of anything.
Love & peace fill the house,
the home is warm with compassion
& daily, hourly renewal.
moment-to-moment,
moment-By-moment
surrender.
treasuring the tiniest of moments,
seeing this gorgeous life,
this gorgeous, messy waiting,
this Advent
of practicing
patience.

"Lord Jesus, Master of both the light and the darkness, send your
Holy Spirit upon our preparations for Christmas. We who have so
much to do seek quiet spaces to hear your voice each day. We who are anxious over many things look forward to your coming among us. We who are blessed in so many ways long for the complete joy of your kingdom. We whose hearts are heavy seek the joy of your presence. We are your people, walking in darkness, yet seeking
the light. To you we say, 'Come Lord Jesus!'" (Henri Nouwen)

nana.

2008-12-15T11:30:00.001-08:00

matthew's amazing nana passed away last night.

They Sit Together on the Porch
by Wendell Berry

They sit together on the porch, the dark
Almost fallen, the house behind them dark.
Their supper done with, they have washed and dried
The dishes–only two plates now, two glasses,
Two knives, two forks, two spoons–small work for two.
She sits with her hands folded in her lap,
At rest. He smokes his pipe. They do not speak,
And when they speak at last it is to say
What each one knows the other knows. They have
One mind between them, now, that finally
For all its knowing will not exactly know
Which one goes first through the dark doorway, bidding
Goodnight, and which sits on a while alone.

toms shoes.

2008-12-12T08:59:00.000-08:00

i ordered a pair toms shoes over the summer, mainly because i needed a pair of shoes & i loved the idea of one pair of shoes being donated for each pair purchased. i had no idea that they would be so comfortable! i used to be on my feet most of the day at work, and now im doing that plus running around with little ones, and i've always splurged on really "good" shoes, and usually have wound up a little disappointed. (i have wonky feet). anyhow, i just ordered my winter shoes:

now, they aren't waterproof but i already have a pair of bean boots for the snowstorms. i am excited for a pair of cute shoes that will keep my ankles warm, and hopefully will be as comfortable as the ones i wore all summer!

--

i need to go out and pick up a few little stocking stuffers, and a space heater for our kitchen / bathroom area. the radiators aren't working in either room which is no big deal during the day, but it gets super super chilly at night (and that's where we sleep).

--
i did yoga this morning before the boys woke up for the first time since uhm... i think since jonah was born. yeah. it's been way too long. i have a goal each morning to stay up after jonah's five am nursing session, to do yoga or pilates, to wash my face & get a cup of tea, all by myself. this is the first morning i accomplished even half of that! i still try every morning, though usually the warm quilts on top of the bed win over anything else.

jingle bells.

2008-12-09T19:36:00.000-08:00

i am so enjoying the holiday season this year. there is an undercurrent of both peace & excitement flowing through me lately. we bought a few things for the boys about a month ago, and that really eased any impulse buying or weird consumerist thoughts that can just Take Over this time of year. i am excited about a few projects i am undertaking with the new year coming. i am excited to have possibly found a housechurch that our family can be a part of. & it is so wonderful sharing advent with the boys. jonah loves it because noah does; but it seems really obvious that noah Gets it... he gets the waiting... & the searching, & the joy. we've found simple christmas stories to be the best around here.

& now, i think i'll cozy myself under the quilts, fluff my pillows & hope for an hour or two of sleep before jonah needs to nurse.

married music collaborations, year eight.

2008-12-08T10:20:00.001-08:00

fits and starts,
fits and starts
we go forward together, always.
always seeking, searching,
being Met even when we don't realise it.
promises each morning to keep my eyes open
to keep my ears open
to all the beauty around us.
to God all around us.
to forget about getting hung up on details,
because they don't really matter.
to be compassionate with ourselves and with others,
who kindly disagree.
quick kisses while one of us goes out the door to work,
then days of togetherness & dinners around the table, all
four of us.
i like the way
noah calls it 'all four'
when we can all sit together with
our plates and cups in place,
he's reading the
st. francis prayer each time
now,think it's
tattooed on his heart,thank God.
revelation sometimes,hurts
too,voices and ideas that come
to life in striped shirts,
faces i'd like to smile back to.
sweep the floor,fold the
laundry,better than the spiritual
cliches,every day is
true food,i think,don't you?

tired & happy.

2008-12-08T05:55:00.000-08:00

i am more tired these last few weeks than i ever thought Possible. i mean, there is a tipping point, right? where you just stop functioning? but magically each day brings its own energy & so far, so good. so thankful for my husband who takes over so i can sleep for an extra hour or so at a time. & a fresh cup of coffee every morning doesn't hurt, either. (though i've had days over the last few weeks where i've had So Much Coffee i've become riddled with anxiety. that's my CLEAR signal i've been overdoing it.) hot tea, always.

& how beautiful the snowflakes were, falling down saturday. i was sitting in my car before going into work & just watched them hit the windows, showing me their intricate patterns, and then melting just as quickly as they came. & it was gorgeous. & such a good reminder of s l o w i n g down & enjoying the silence.

the habit of advent.

2008-12-01T10:04:00.001-08:00

we are discovering & Rediscovering the habit of advent in our little house.
& putting together nativity scenes for the boys to play with. & pulling out the winterish books, putting away the fall ones. sleeping with the christmas tree lighting up the little house in a million shades of gold. drinking hot tea late at night. reading together, each night, an advent meditation that seems to really be speaking to our condition right now. rearranging things. making do. maybe finishing the cabinets sometime soon? many nights with very little sleep, as noah & jonah work the kinks out of sharing a room. enjoying our thanksgiving here And there. making lists for each day.

& currently loving:

the table where rich people sit.

a child in winter, our advent readings.

jean vanier.

the amazing sunrise this morning, filling the sky with oranges & pinks.

miso soup, to ease a queasy belly.

reading books with both boys on my lap.

& oh, i started this post two days ago! how quickly the days can go by... how important it is to be Present.

a month of gratitude,day twenty-five. (close enough ? the end.)

2008-11-29T20:29:00.000-08:00

*i am grateful for my little family. for our traditions & our newly forming ones. for gathering around the table after cooking most of the morning & sharing the blessing cup. for noah's constant curiosity & his deVout love of records. for jonah's smile that could melt the coldest heart, his hugs that could change the world. seriously. for a husband that knows Me, that holds my hand, that writes me notes, that sings with me. that reads to me, tucks me in, makes me laugh & cooks me breakfast. for the skies that have been so drop dead gorgeous lately. for the leaves still hanging on to my neighbor's tree. hot tea to warm cold hands, curls drying on my head reminding me of where i came from. the constant buzz of laundry, the constant folding of diapers, the constant little mess even when we've picked up the house after a day of play. going outside no matter the weather, watching the birds fly while on break at work, sharing the joys & pains of motherhood with a longtime coworker & friend. embracing life. embracing death. & loving every moment in between.

a month of gratitude, day twenty.

2008-11-21T11:33:00.000-08:00

*today has been hard. noah & jonah were both up for the Day at four this morning, for a reason i can't figure out yet. i was already tired, and so now im loopy with tiredness & too much caffiene. luckily, i timed a run to target that we've been needing to make for a while now perfectly, and both noah & jonah fell asleep on the way home. i drove around for awhile, letting them sleep. the sky was just gorgeous. so full of clouds, sunshine, and Life. ohio skies can so quickly become nothing but grey for seemingly weeks at a time in the winter, so i am grateful for the skies today. and for this silly little apron i found on clearance for 2$ today. it makes me smile & reminds me of my grandmother.

a month of gratitude, day nineteen.

2008-11-19T12:37:00.001-08:00

*a few moments to myself, in between hanging out with my littles all day & working at the bookstore for a few hours tonight.

*talking with my sister-in-law. we need to do this more often!

*my apples for jam cookbook. i loaned it to a friend & got it back last night & have been swooning over it again.

*guests over the weekend; maybe even a guest for thanksgiving?

*moving the boys into the same room, yesterday. this means so much on many different levels.

a month of gratitude, day eighteen.

2008-11-15T17:08:00.000-08:00

*this time, last year.

*being greeted at the door by three smiling, happy faces. jonah lifting his arms up to me, his way of asking to nurse.

*coffee.

*finding a book my aunt has been looking for for years, and being able to buy it for her.

*tossing shampoo out the window.

***these days are so full. the night comes so quickly & we are always tired, full of life but oh so sleepy. there is so much to do, so much we want to do, so much we are doing, and always trying to remember that this is It. these are the only moments we have. stillness & presence of mind can be found in the middle of all the buzzing around us, we just have to look for it. & it's magic.

a month of gratitude, day seventeen.

2008-11-13T16:50:00.001-08:00

*how to cook your life.

*the beautiful moon hanging outside my dining room window.

*spending a lot of time outside today, falling in the wet leaves.

*L'Arche: a community of brokeness and beauty.

*new collaborations.

a month of gratitude, day sixteen.

2008-11-10T06:50:00.000-08:00

*the hectic quietness of a day at home, all four of us.

*the furnace, sort of working.

*buying the few things we are giving the boys for christmas yesterday, since everything at king arthur's toys was 15% off.

*weeding through the clutter. really wanting to just blindly get rid of it all, but i'm not to that point yet. still, though, each day is a little less cluttery.

*matthew's endless energy. really, i have no idea how he functions sometimes!

a month of gratitude, day fifteen.

2008-11-08T18:16:00.000-08:00

noah saying this prayer from st. francis of assisi:

Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.

a month of gratitude, day fourteen.

2008-11-07T18:43:00.000-08:00

*matthew listening to my rambling, letting me get things off my chest, Hearing me.

*hot chocolate.

*the excitement & creativity that comes with november, for me.

*the sun magazine.

*becoming the answer to our prayers, by shane claiborne.

*sleep, even when it's fitful.

a month of gratitude, day thirteen.

2008-11-06T16:44:00.000-08:00

*sooooooo grateful the election is over. i found myself really anxious on election day, really unable to just trust that no matter what everything would be okay. life would/will/does go on. & after the results came in i just felt my body completely release it's tension for that day. matthew showed me this early in the evening & it really brought me back from where my mind can too easily go sometimes.

From The Sun Magazine, November 2008:

"No matter who's elected President, daffodils will bloom in the spring. Men and women will fall in love and, sadly, out of love. Inconsolable grief will still be inconsolable. A broken heart will nonetheless keep beating one hundred thousand times a day. No matter who's elected president, writers will write. Painters will paint. Three in the morning will still be three in the morning. The door in our psyche we don't want to walk through will still be just down the hall. No matter who's elected president, life will hand us the invisible thread that connects us all; love will hand us the needle."

-- Sy Safransky--

noah & jonah cooking.

a bit of the nature table.

a month of gratitude, day twelve.

2008-11-03T18:26:00.000-08:00

*the gorgeous, heavy sliver of moon hanging out on my way home from work tonight.

*my friend gillian's shop, burkeheart baby, and her amazing talent.

*mamatomama.org

*how incredible the days are, even when everything falls apart.

*pangea organics body lotion. it's the only lotion that doesn't make me itchy after applying it! yay for notsodry skin.

a month of gratitude, day eleven.

2008-11-02T16:07:00.001-08:00

*trader joe's.

*tiny catnaps while the boys go for a walk outside.

*i am grateful that matthew knows when to Not take me seriously.

*the beautiful moon outside.

*the nights growing longer.

a month of gratitude, day ten.

2008-10-31T16:29:00.000-07:00

*still swooning over the delights of yesterday. realising how much i Needed a few hours to myself, with no goal, no agenda, no errands... this has not happened since noah was born, over three years ago! i think every few months, to have half a day to go/do whatever i feel, wherever the wind takes me... i think that's a good idea.

*jonah's newfound love of maurice sendak's one was johnny, and how he goes crazy when you ask him if he wants to read it.

*matthew giving the boys a bath.

*i am grateful for our hardwood floors. even though they get messy quick, they are a breeze to clean. i'm afraid i'd be an even lazier housekeeper if we had carpet!

*creme brulee. again tonight. just because.(with pumpkin spice coffee with whipped cream on top, too!)

a month of gratitude, day nine.

2008-10-30T17:10:00.001-07:00

*today i turned thirty three!

*spending about four hours Alone today, just trekking along in the city. visiting park & vine, a green general store in cincinnati.

*the creme brulee waiting for me.

*the warmth of the afternoons.

*the chill of the mornings.

*shopping lists & menu planning.

*reading magazines in the fresh air with npr in the background.

*breathing more deeply, more intentionally.

*smiles.

Every morning
the world
is created.
Under the orange

sticks of the sun
the heaped
ashes of the night
turn into leaves again

and fasten themselves to the high branches ---
and the ponds appear
like black cloth
on which are painted islands

of summer lilies.
If it is your nature
to be happy
you will swim away along the soft trails

for hours, your imagination
alighting everywhere.
And if your spirit
carries within it

the thorn
that is heavier than lead ---
if it's all you can do
to keep on trudging ---

there is still
somewhere deep within you
a beast shouting that the earth
is exactly what it wanted ---

each pond with its blazing lilies
is a prayer heard and answered
lavishly,
every morning,

whether or not
you have ever dared to be happy,
whether or not
you have ever dared to pray.

~ Mary Oliver ~

a month of gratitude, day eight.

2008-10-29T19:22:00.001-07:00

*the way the last of the autumn leaves are GLOWING. on Fire. so bright & full of every last bit of life!

*a cute little old birthday book left on my shelf at work by a coworker.

*the roof over our heads, the warmth of the radiators taking the chill off the night, hot tea in the morning, blowing on noah's hands to warm them up.

*noah asking to "nur" (nurse), which he doesn't anymore. so instead we pretend & snuggle up in the rocking chair instead. & how he now strokes jonah's legs & feet when it's jonah im nursing.

*sweeping up most of the cobwebs in the basement.

*go phillies!

a month of gratitude, day seven.

2008-10-28T18:01:00.001-07:00

*stillness.
*deep breaths.
*small steps.
*gentle laughter.
*grace.

a month of gratitude, day six.

2008-10-27T18:41:00.000-07:00

a month of gratitude, day five.

2008-10-26T17:28:00.001-07:00

*sharing a late breakfast, all of us together, at the table.

*the boys sleeping until almost eight this morning.

*matthew's patience with my rearranging whims.

*how the warmth of the sun urged us to open the windows for a bit today.

*wendell berry.

manifesto: the mad farmer liberation front

Love the quick profit, the annual raise,
vacation with pay. Want more
of everything ready-made. Be afraid
to know your neighbors and to die.
And you will have a window in your head.
Not even your future will be a mystery
any more. Your mind will be punched in a card
and shut away in a little drawer.
When they want you to buy something
they will call you. When they want you
to die for profit they will let you know.

So, friends, every day do something
that won't compute. Love the Lord.
Love the world. Work for nothing.
Take all that you have and be poor.
Love someone who does not deserve it.
Denounce the government and embrace
the flag. Hope to live in that free
republic for which it stands.
Give your approval to all you cannot
understand. Praise ignorance, for what man
has not encountered he has not destroyed.

Ask the questions that have no answers.
Invest in the millenium. Plant sequoias.
Say that your main crop is the forest
that you did not plant,
that you will not live to harvest.
Say that the leaves are harvested
when they have rotted into the mold.
Call that profit. Prophesy such returns.

Put your faith in the two inches of humus
that will build under the trees
every thousand years.
Listen to carrion - put your ear
close, and hear the faint chattering
of the songs that are to come.
Expect the end of the world. Laugh.
Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful
though you have considered all the facts.
So long as women do not go cheap
for power, please women more than men.
Ask yourself: Will this satisfy
a woman satisfied to bear a child?
Will this disturb the sleep
of a woman near to giving birth?

Go with your love to the fields.
Lie down in the shade. Rest your head
in her lap. Swear allegiance
to what is nighest your thoughts.
As soon as the generals and the politicos
can predict the motions of your mind,
lose it. Leave it as a sign
to mark the false trail, the way
you didn't go. Be like the fox
who makes more tracks than necessary,
some in the wrong direction.
Practice resurrection.

(wendell berry)

a month of gratitude, day four.

2008-10-25T17:25:00.001-07:00

*sharing breakfast every morning with noah & jonah.

*sleeping under quilts my great-grandmother made.

*doing simple yoga stretches with noah & jonah thinking it's the funniest thing ever.

*holding matthew's hand at night.

*the hope for the next day.

a month of gratitude, day three.

2008-10-24T16:42:00.000-07:00

*the boys spending hours, yes hours! playing with their dollhouse today. and playing Together; sharing & all that good stuff.

*being as peaceful as we could muster while noah had a before bed all-out-freak-out.

*the cold, rainy & windy day today. & how it reminded me of walking to work in philadelphia.

*watching the wild turkeys poke around the backyard this morning.

*how noah really dove into setting up a nature table.

*jonah's drunken legs when he's really, really tired.

*& nostalgia. this time, last year:

a month of gratitude. day two.

2008-10-23T18:43:00.000-07:00

*grateful that the old, old hot water boiler furnace we have is Fixable, though not til next week. maybe another year before we have to replace it?

*getting out to the craft store for some fabric, by myself.

*matthew putting me to bed for a quick little nap when he came home from work. i have been feeling under-the-weather today, and this really helped.

*pumpkin spice coffee, made at home.

*making a mess in the living room after we got the boys tucked in, to put together their dollhouse.

a month of gratitude.

2008-10-22T18:35:00.000-07:00

little reminders & a chance to sit back & reflect on the day are always nice. & so, from now until thanksgivingish i hope to share my daily little gratitudes.

today:

*the way jonah loves to sort wooden foods into little crates.

*noah's giggly requests for more tickles.

*seeing matthew walk through the door each afternoon, and expecting his usual phone calls throughout the day. i mark my time by them.

*the crunch of the leaves outside.

*the sound of the furnace coming on at night. (grateful it still runs & that we can keep the rooms warm at night for babies who refuse blankets & socks).

*and this photo of my little boys:

the rising tide

2008-10-17T16:48:00.000-07:00

it only takes a really hard day with the little ones to realise what a fallen, broken person i am & that i am nothing without God being right there in the middle of it all, holding us all up. this last week has been glorious & ugly, sometimes both at the same time. noah is such a mirror to my soul, my wounds & scars, my delights & hopes & dreams & fears. we say *i love you* a lot & just as much today we've said *i'm sorry.* those little boys are such dreams, such sweet souls, such delights. i try every day to loose more & more of myself into Just This Moment, and not to dwell on what to make for lunch or dinner, on if the laundry is moving or the diapers are folded or if i have a clean shirt to wear to work. we really only get This Moment Right Here.... nothing else is certain in this life. & so sad at how sometimes it is So Hard to be Right Here, and so easy it is to settle in my head with thoughts, plans, fears, contemplations, poems, lists, etc.

THIS IS IT!

& this last wednesday was national pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day, which left me lighting candles for robin, burke & beatrix. & prayers for the little ones that just weren't ready, & for the families that were.

& the gorgeous turn to fall weather, Finally! walks with sweatshirts on & cold cheeks. hot tea at night with my love. collecting leaves & arranging pumpkins with noah.

& being a part of words dance, the ladies issue. amanda oaks is such an amazing woman and constant inspiration to me, so i am very flattered to have two pieces of writing included in this issue.

& oh, things like how noah is fascinated with butterflies lately, so we read a big butterfly handbook together. & how jonah just started talking, saying "pickle" "papaw" "byebyeeeee" and lots of other little words. how his face lights up at noah, at matthew, at anyone he knows & loves. how he loves the outdoors & the feeling i have Knowing most of the winter will still be spent outdoors each day, so planning & buying a few things accordingly.

this is such a magical time of year for me. full of inspiration & creativity & lost sleep & hot tea & candles. even a bath or two! i am definitely an autumn child.

& how beautiful it all is, truly. even the really hard stuff.

People notice
There's a special glow around you.

You grow
Surrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy
In your mother and father's eyes.

And if sometimes
Between the smiles
There's a trace of tears,
One day
You'll understand.

You'll understand
There was once another child
A different child
Who was in their hopes and dreams.

That child will never outgrow the baby clothes
That child will never keep them up at night
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.

Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.

May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious
How infinitely fragile
Is this life on earth.

One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother's tears
Another father's silent grief
Then you, and you alone
Will understand
And offer the greatest comfort.

When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them
With great compassion,
"I know how you feel.
I'm only here
Because my mother tried again.

(thank you, jenny,for the poem.)

why i wake early

2008-10-06T12:18:00.001-07:00

hello, sun in my face.
hello, you who make the morning
and spread it over the fields
and into the faces of the tulips
and the nodding morning glories,
and into the windows of, even, the
miserable and the crotchety--

best preacher that ever was,
dear star, that just happens
to be where you are in the universe
to keep us from ever-darkness,
to ease us with warm touching,
to hold us in the great hands of light--
good morning, good morning, good morning.

watch, now, how i start the day
in happiness, in kindness.

(mary oliver)

feasts.

2008-10-04T17:25:00.000-07:00

since today was the feast day of saint francis, we celebrated by reading a few prayers of his & the canticle of the sun, as well as Finally using the blessing cup. we've all been sick this last week, so we weren't able to pass the cup! but tonight, tonight we talked about saint francis, lit a candle, and passed the cup.
it says Lord, make us instruments of Your peace. yes, yes. such a fun thing, starting a new tradition with the blessing cup.

Lord, we offer thanks and praise for the circle of our days.
Praise for radiant brother sun, who makes the hours around us run.
For sister moon, and for the stars, brilliant, precious, always ours.
Praise for brothers wind and air, serene or cloudy, foul or fair.
For sister water, clear and chaste, useful, humble, good to taste.
For fire, our brother, strong and bright, whose joy illuminates the night.
Praise for our sister, mother earth, who cares for each of us from birth.
For all her children, fierce or mild, for sister, brother, parent, child.
For creatures wild, and creatures tame, for hunter, hunted, both the same.
For brother sleep, and sister death, who tend the borders of our breath.
For desert, orchard, rock and tree, for forest, meadow, mountain, sea.
For fruit and flower, plant and bush, for morning robin, evening thrush.
For all your gifts, of every kind, we offer praise with quiet mind.
Be with us, Lord, and guide our ways around the circle of our days.

--Reeve Lindbergh, from the children's book The Circle of Days, from Canticle of the Sun by Saint Francis of Assisi

anew

2008-10-01T08:44:00.000-07:00

a new leaf turned, a new month on the calendar, a new spirit,Spirit in the air. trimming a bit of baggage, leaving some old, dead things behind, breathing in the spirit of Newness & the magic that is new beginnings. remembering the new beginning i am given each time i open my eyes, each time i recognize my heart beating, each time i see my little ones blink & smile & play. everything in slow motion, trying to absorb every last bit & trying to be as present as possible, which ebbs & flows with the day. praying for my sore, broken toe & my achy limbs & thankful for the body that i have.

Where Does The Temple Begin,
Where Does It End?

there are things you can't reach. But
you can reach out to them, and all day long.

the wind, the bird flying away. the idea of God.

and it can keep you as busy as anything else, and happier.

the snake slides away; the fish jumps, like a little lily,
out of the water and back in; the goldfinches sing
from the unreachable top of the tree.

i look; morning to night i am never done with looking.

looking I mean not just standing around, but standing around
as though with your arms open.

and thinking: maybe something will come, some
shining coil of wind,
or a few leaves from any old tree---
they are all in this too.

and now i will tell you the truth.
everything in the world
comes.

at least, closer.

and, cordially.

like the nibbling, tinsel-eyed fish; the unlooping snake.
like goldfinches, little dolls of gold
fluttering around the corner of the sky

of God, the blue air.

(Mary Oliver)

may day.

2008-09-27T17:10:00.000-07:00

I've decided to waste my life again,
Like I used to: get drunk on
The light in the leaves, find a wall
Against which something can happen,

Whatever may have happened
Long ago—let a bullet hole echoing
The will of an executioner, a crevice
In which a love note was hidden,

Be a cell where a struggling tendril
Utters a few spare syllables at dawn.
I've decided to waste my life
In a new way, to forget whoever

Touched a hair on my head, because
It doesn't matter what came to pass,
Only that it passed, because we repeat
Ourselves, we repeat ourselves.

I've decided to walk a long way
Out of the way, to allow something
Dreaded to waken for no good reason,
Let it go without saying,

Let it go as it will to the place
It will go without saying: a wall
Against which a body was pressed
For no good reason, other than this.

by Phillis Levin

announcing two new members of our family.

2008-09-26T17:11:00.001-07:00

meet dorothy and grey, noah's first *fishies.* he has been so infatuated with fish lately, and when we told him he could actually have one (or two) of his own, he almost couldn't stand it. so, after dinner tonight we went & got all the supplies & picked up his first two fish.

i'd love to say that he named one dorothy after dorothy day, but truly it is *his* dorothy, just like elmo has His dorothy. and grey? well, because he/she/it's grey.

autumn apples

2008-09-25T20:15:00.000-07:00

today we went down the road just a bit from my parent's house to beiersdorfer's orchard to get apples. we stopped to watch the wild turkeys cross the road along the way, said hi to a few cows, and noah was excited to see all the grape vines at a local winery.
& when we got there, noah was quick to collect a few duck feathers! the smell was so amazing coming out of the barn; they had just started another batch of cider. we walked through the orchard a little bit & then bought our weight in apples & pears, cider, apple & peach butter. noah picked out a pumpkin & jonah picked out a few gourds & i picked out a pumpkin that is the most gorgeous shade of peach... i really didn't even think it was a real pumpkin! we celebrated autumn tonight by making a gigantic apple crisp.

& oh, check this out: the green bible.

hitches and all.

2008-09-05T19:31:00.000-07:00

& so here we go, dancing over the bumps that go with Life, with living, packing up the car, praying little colds are just little colds & get better by the hour, dance to invigorate our senses, dance to wake us up (Wake Us Up)!, the hum of the dryer, the buzz of the night noises. in just a few short hours we will be on our way.
grateful for my parents to take care of a few things here at the house. grateful for the ability to travel. thankful for the beautiful boys we have. thankful for the bumps and hiccups and the patience it is teaching me.

i live with three zen masters.

how did i get so lucky?

"I realized that I had died and been reborn numberless times but just didn't remember because the transitions from life to death and back are so ghostly easy, a magical action for naught, like falling asleep and waking up again a million times, the utter casualness and deep ignorance of it."
- Jack Kerouac, On the Road (which was published this day, many moons ago)

over the river and through the woods

2008-09-04T08:04:00.000-07:00

heat that doesn't leave the house, even in the slight cool of the night. last minute trips to the store to pick up things for our trip to upstate new york, i smiled when i found cloth diapers and wet bags at target. the way noah & jonah lean in on one another, giving *hugs* and *lumps?* and giggles all over the place. dinosaurs & noah's unending love for spinning things. jonah almost running! ideas for the holidays already formed. simplicity in practice. enjoying where i am, where we are, at this Very Moment. not wishing for more or less or different. trading philosophising for actual Living. Doing (or Not doing), instead of justifying. speaking for myself and noone else. avoiding generalisations of all kinds. waldorf school. dorothy day, barbara kingsolver, mary rose o'reilley. matthew's Being. walking through life toGether, a unified alliance, combined forces, nourishing each other, ourselves, our children. getting over myself, getting over everyone else. nothing but love, nothing but gratitude.

and soon, long, long hours in the car over rivers, mountains, and plains.

sunday gratitude.

2008-08-31T19:27:00.000-07:00

nag champa burned in corners of the house, filling the air with a definite smell of autumn, despite the high temperatures. a reasonably clean house, floors swept, toys picked up (for the moment, anyway!), laundry moving. spending the day with family and enjoying it, noah taking lots of walks, picking up leaves, flowers, and holding his cousin myah's hand. getting out my grandmother's suitcase that she never got to use, throwing in some clothes to be packed for our upcoming trip. enjoying the few moments of quiet, anticipating josh & marina's arrival, needing something to eat, tired eyes but bliss nonetheless.